Results are in

Oh no. Looks I've got a phone call to make

Record myself then listen back, improve, repeat etc.		7.69%
Phone a phone sex service and ask the helpful phone sex worker.		.69%7
Phone random numbers and ask the person who answers.		30.77%
Phone Rupert and practice practice practice.		30.77%
Suggestions?		23.08%
No Response		0.00%

The suggestions were.
1. Write a script.
2. Just have a wank.
3. All of the above.

and also

mckinley said...

my advice re: phone sex - too long to put in the suffestions box of the poll
Don't call up a phone sex line! Because that is not real sex. It is bored woman paid to simulate sex. And the sex she is simulating is completely one-way, all about the man, and her pretending she wants whatever he wants. That's no fun. Good sex involves both people getting what they want. DOn't call up strangers because a) somebody's wife might think their husband is having an affair and b) you might accidentally call someone scary, and dangerous, someone with call ID (I have it on my landline) who might turn stalk-y. My advice (especially as you are presumably not going to be doing this during your man-free month, is to masturbate and imagine you are having perfect phone sex, so you get used to the idea, and you can figure out what you want. Also, you are a writer, yes? Can you write sex scenes? Cause talking is just writing said out loud. Maybe if you think of it like that it will be easier?

and

Anonymous said...

there are a couple of phone chat lines - telecafe is one, lavalife is another - which offer their service to female callers at the price of a local call (men pay through the nose, natch). try one of these. you can talk to as many men as you like - with complete anonymity - and most of them are either actively looking for, or would be delighted by the suggestion of, phone sex.

admittedly there are lots of thickheads on there, but it's still a fun, risk-free way to get your rocks off and practice talking to strange men about rumpo.

- venn d

Thanks for all the advice. I'm a bit surprised there was so much of it. I would like point out that I am not a maniac and firmly believe that all sex, including phone sex should involve people who have given express consent so I will not be phoning random strangers. I included that option as a joke, not expecting that people would choose that option. Sorry to disappoint but I will not be turning into a weird stalker of random people. I will attempt to phone Rupert this evening and discuss the poll results however he is a very busy and important man and I may not be able to catch him at home. Final results of this experiment may have to wait until August due to the July Man Embargo.