Cross stations

Or battle roads, I don't know. Artboy phoned, it was business, he is putting money into my account to try and pay off the terrible debt he left me with but he said its good to talk to you. I didn't know what to say, I kept repeating myself and thanking him for paying the money to me even though its not enough to cover the debt. I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't feel anything while I was talking to him. Not a damn thing and I still don't. This is curious. I wonder if I have become an unconscious master of blocking him out. I wonder if some silent night I will once again start sobbing and be unable to stop or if this is it, the end. What a piteous end to a love that restrung my dna, turning red into blue. A polite conversation about banking, the click of the phone, two beats of my heart then nothing.

I am furious with myself for over-complicating things with Elliot when there is really no need to. He is a good friend. He is possibly the only friend that understands almost every corner of my heart. He always knows precisely what I mean, sometimes before I do. There is no need for this stupid head of mine to try and fast forward through time and space. He is a good friend and nothing has happened to change that. I have not done anything wrong, I have not attempted to manipulate things, I have not uttered a false word, I have not held his hand to the fire and I don't intend to. One sentence keeps running through my mind. It was there when Grizelda was chattering something while my electric toothbrush whirred, it was there when the man in a queue stood too close to my left elbow, it was there when the cat purred on my lap, it is here now. I do not wish to be disturbed. But what does that mean and why is it running dot matrix through my head?