Who's breaking your heart while I'm breaking mine?

Point ridiculous. When you are in the kitchen and a housemate comes home from work and asks you how your day was you can say Fine thank you and carry on chopping the giant mushroom or you can throw yourself on the floor and try to stop your heart beating and hope that the ambulance arrives too late. I chose the mushroom. This is what I do. I always choose the mushroom and I'm sick of it. I want a go of the crazy.

I want to wake up on the floor all the way through a bottle of vodka and know that nothing else matters because I can drink another one today. I want to run out of the house screaming and leave everyone to pick my pieces while I sit sheltered and responsibilities bounce off my shell. I want to lie under the doona and not come out, no matter what. I want to waste away my brain cells one at a time until the government pays for someone to come to my house every day and feed and bathe me. I want to smash the computers in my office and set fire to the place, I want to walk out of there in tall boots with broken glass crunching under my heels.

But I am the one who carries on. I am the one with the silent screams and the calm busy hands. This is boring, even for me. I'm sick of being only shadow.

Comments

Gemnastics said…
It'll be all right.
DS said…
No I did not steal Spencer's lyric. His song is called Who's breaking your heart while you're breaking mine. Besides everyone knows you can't copyright a title.
Anonymous said…
It'll be alright.

Whatever has happened, life continues on and many a situation would probably be better for you being there. Life has its ups and downs, but the ups should outweigh the downs, or you would at least hope they would.

I'm feeling good about life. Life begins now. Say that everyday as you get out of bed. It's not a lie, so it can't hurt.

Self destruction can often look like a good option when things are tough, but it usually hurts more people than it helps, and is a broken heart really worth causing irrepearable or irreversible pain on those that do care?

Sorry for the rant.

It'll be alright dale.
DS said…
Thanks for the helpful hints but its not my heart that's broken.
Dahlia said…
Dale, I think in the midst of a disappointing experience, you need to look at what you want from life and the people in your life (hopefully you have thought about this and written it down somewhere)and measure whether you are having this experience and these feelings because you have not taken an action that you need to take towards getting more of what you want. If you want something that someone can't give you...there really isn't a point in torturing yourself. I'm not entirely convinced I'm an expert in this area, just someone who seems equally frustrated by matters of the heart. What I have learned, and have to continually remind myself, is that I know what I want and when something isn't working for me it's usually because I'm hanging on to something that I know is not the WHOLE of what I want or need. Make a list as long as you can about all the things you don't want in a mate, long term relationship, however you define what it is you want...and then turn the language around into a positive so that when you think on it...you are thinking of it in a positive frame of mind (unaffectionate becomes affectionate, judgemental becomes non judging or open minded, etc). Keep taking action towards the things and people you want. That's the only way to get closer to it. Know that you will get what you truly desire. :-)
DS said…
Avi: Will do it this evening.

Gemma: Thanks.

Damo: Thanks and I am keeping count of good vs bad, you can see the running tally in the Dead vs Alive section. I'm going to find out if the good really does outweigh the bad and then I will present my analysis in a report with accompanying recommendations.
Anonymous said…
Silent screams and calm busy hands make for extraordinary writing and a captivating online expression of your feelings.

Jeez... sounds like I'm saying that your pain is entertaining. I'm not, of course.
DS said…
But it is Creamboy, it is.
Anonymous said…
sorry i got heartache confused with blackdog ownership. I have been watching the DvA tally. it's good that A is ahead.
Having owned a black dog on & off for most of my life, and having tried to release the dog from the lead (i think that explains the analogy) on several occasions, I'm glad that the dog didnt bolt completely. There is a lot i would have missed out on doing and achieving.
While being the owner of a black dog can be quite costly, taxing and tiring, I also believe that it can make the owner stronger, resilient and more open to embracing the times when the dog has just been washed, and doesn't look so much black, than a muted grey, or perhaps even shiny or glossy.

does that make sense?

and you're right, you're able to make your ownership of lil' blackie (is that his name) an avenue of entertaining scribblings. many appreciate you for that.
DS said…
You might be right.